Raised in a Christian family, I always believed that there was more to life than what could be seen, but due to the nature of my religion, being able to enter this unknown reality was always deemed to happen after death, or happen to certain ‘chosen’ people of God.
As I grew up, I had an amazing father that taught me many intellectual defenses against atheism and gave me many theoretical & scientific reasons for believing in God and Christianity.
He educated me far more than my peers on the topics of science and philosophy. However, I had always been lacking in heart, and I never understood how to gain this ‘heart’ that I was missing.
Although I knew that Christianity was better than other religions, I also believed that what I had been taught was not the entire truth, because the miracles that happened multiple times a day in the lives of the apostles of Jesus were nowhere to be seen in my world of Christianity.
Jesus said we would do things greater than he, but I didn’t see this happening anywhere. The closest I got to God was hearing visions from my mother, who has a gift where she can see images God shows her. I had never in my life had a firsthand experience with God, and I desperately wanted one.
After leaving school, I moved out of my parents’ house to study at university. I was offered marijuana by a friend of mine, and I jumped at the opportunity to experience something taboo. In school I had been conditioned to avoid learning about drugs because I was told that they were demonic; but at this point in my life I didn’t care whether it was good or bad; I just wanted to find out for myself.
I knew it was safe physically, and I was very curious to what it actually did for me. After trying weed, I was instantly hooked. It opened up my mind to new possibilities, and made me realize my creative potential. To me, this was far more exciting and real than any of the stuff I had been taught by Religion. I actually felt like I had more access to God whilst high than when I was sober.
After Marijuana, I eventually tried Magic Mushrooms and LSD. They changed the state of my spirit to view the world in different perspectives, and this was the best way to engage in spiritual activity at that time in my life. I never abandoned my faith in God through any of these psychedelic experiences; I only applied what I had learned through psychedelics to better understand the nature of God from my perspective.
Despite what many religious people think about drugs, I did not feel like I was being controlled by demons or that psychedelic drugs had harmed me in any way. In fact magic mushrooms was actually a medicine to me, as it cured a chemical brain imbalance of mine and got rid of this depression that had been over me for many years.
Due to my exploration of psychedelics, I believed I had become closer to experiencing God than the vast majority of people who call themselves Christians. And unfortunately, I still hold this to be true. But that doesn’t mean I believe I was close to God; just “closer”.
When you see the world on a higher level of consciousness, you cannot deny that the spiritual world is real. However, that did not mean I was in a proper relationship with God. I had a greater understanding of God, and I spoke to him often, mostly praising him for creating the amazing universe we live in, but I had not actually submitted my life to God. I did not obey my moral compass that was telling me I should not be careless with my health.
At the time, justified it to myself by believing that God would forgive me if I was wrong because I was exploring psychedelics in order to find out more about him. This was ultimately a half-truth, as Marijuana did not actually help me progress spiritually and I did it because I enjoyed it. LSD and Mushrooms were the real deal for me and I only did them with the purpose of gaining a greater understanding of God and reality itself.
The use of psychedelics was a part of my journey that was a necessary step in order for me to come to the truth. I do not condone it, nor am I saying that they are necessary to find God, but I do believe that I had to go through that stage of life in order to come out the other side, for the things that I have learned through psychedelics can now be used to teach those who do not understand the nature of God, the world and most of all, ourselves.
I spent almost 2 years of my life studying 3D Animation at university whilst smoking weed for fun and taking psychedelics for spiritual exploration. After finishing University, I had to move back with my parents because I did not have a job in the city.
—Path of Destruction—
The government cracked down on weed at that time of year, so the only available psychedelic was synthetic weed, and it is far worse than marijuana because it is highly addictive and its chemical structure is unknown.
After a couple weeks of living with my parents, searching for a job, I told my Dad about my use of drugs because I valued an open relationship with him.
Unfortunately both my parents responded in fear and condemnation. I felt very guilty and horrible because of it, and fell into a dark depression and became a prisoner of drug addiction.
When I didn’t get my hands on synthetic marijuana, I got drunk late at night when my parents were asleep. A spirit of condemnation was attacking me on a constant basis, and I lost the ability to speak openly with my parents. I didn’t have a life anymore. The only person in my family who I could talk to was my sister Rachel, and I can’t thank her enough because she was the one who held me together while I was mentally unstable.
I became very obsessed with drugs at this point in time, and would often drink a whole bottle of cough syrup in order to get high off of DXM. I was in a dark hole and I was crying out to God to help me, but I had no response. I had done this to myself, and I deserved it.
My parents were demanding me to find a job every day, and I was being constantly criticized by them from a place of fear. Every day, my entire pattern of thought was completely saturated in the dissapointment of my parents, and I kept trying to figure out a way to get out of depression.
I loved them, but I had extreme difficulty with them because they could not understand anything about me. I could not see their love for me, because my mind was so caught up in their expectations that I could not see the reasons behind them. Many lies about my parents were being fed to me by an unknown source, and I could not fight them. I eventually I had to talk with my mum and dad because I had a mental breakdown. I stopped trying to protect myself and I showed them my vulnerable side.
I poured my heart out and told them the truth: that I could no longer live to fulfil their expectations and I needed them to stop trying to control me and tell me what to do. After getting this all out in the open, I felt a huge relief and we all forgave eachother and hugged .
Literally the moment our relationship had been mended and my conversation with them was over, the phone rang and I was offered a job as a 3D Artist in Brisbane!
I had not had a job for six months, and I believe it to be more than coincidence that I was offered a job literally seconds after I fixed my relationship with my parents. I can’t imagine what would have happened if I left without first fixing our relationship.
—A New Season—
I moved to the City and lived with my Aunt and Uncle for 3 months whilst working for a small 3D art company. I still smoked synthetic weed during that time, but I was no longer depressed. I no longer drank as much alcohol and my life was looking better to me.
While hanging out with my friend at a nightclub, I met a girl. I felt a really strong connection that went beyond the physical. It was like I met my mirror image in female form. Within half a week we decided to date, and because of her, I finally found the motivation to quit smoking synthetic marijuana. I found a better drug: Love.
Within 2 weeks of meeting her, we moved in together. I would not have done this so fast, but her lease was expiring and she needed help finding a new place. I was also looking for a new place, and we were in love so it was hard to say no.
My girlfriend called herself a Christian, but did not go to church and didn’t have a strong relationship with God. We were very similar in that regard, but I soon discovered that she didnt have any desire to become closer to God. There were many occasions where she would become extremely aggressive & depressed for no reason whatsoever, and she told me that she would always fall asleep when trying to read the Bible. A few days after moving in together, I started praying for her because I felt something was wrong.
On the third night living together, I asked her if she was being oppressed by an evil spirit. The moment I asked her this question, a demonic spirit manifested itself in her. While on the Bed, my girlfriend’s eyes rolled back into her head. The room became very cold and she whispered “save me” before it completely took control. The spirit told me that it would never leave as it had been with her for 20 years. It told me that I had no power because I am not a child of God, and it told me that even if it were to be cast it out, it would come back with seven more spirits.
This experience immediately changed my entire worldview. I knew with 100% certainty that Christianity was real. Despite trying everything I knew of at the time, I could not get rid of the demon, but it stopped tormenting her after an hour. After this insane event happened, I planned to take her to some Christians who practiced praying for people in a public shopping center every Thursday.
My girlfriend did not remember anything from the attack, so I had to tell her what had happened. Over the next three days she was attacked multiple times per day. Sometimes she felt a heavy weight on her chest which stopped her from breathing; sometimes she felt a sharp pain on her neck, and other times it would make her upset for no reason and convince her that I did not love her. It played with her memories and caused havok in our relationship.
At one point in time she did not even know who I was and became very scared of me. Each time this happened, I prayed to God, and the attack stopped. However, there was one occasion where it attacked her and I was not around to pray. While I was at work, she said the demon forced her to walk out onto incoming traffic. At the last minute, she felt a hand pull her back onto the footpath just before a car going 80km per hour was about to hit her. However, there was no person standing near her who could have done this, so I believe God saved her that day.
On the way to meet the Christians at the shopping center, it attacked her again in the bus, causing pain on her neck. However, we got there in one piece and the Christians immediately started to pray for her. While they were praying I felt the gravity around us become lighter, and I felt electricity tingle through my body. The demon left her, so we immediately thanked the people who prayed for us, and planned for us both to start seeking God more earnestly.
God revealed to me in a dream that there was activity going on in her workplace that was allowing the demon to get access to her. After telling her she confirmed it was true. I then offered to support her financially until she found a new job. Although she was interested in God for a time, we never spent time worshiping him and did not join a Church despite having abundant free time, as she still did not want to go.
Eventually, like the demon had told me, it came back. This was approximately two months after it had left, because my girlfriend went straight back to the old way of living, creating the massive problem she had previousy – without telling me. I was ignorant of this for a time, but eventually I found out what she was doing and when I did, I also knew why our relationship had been struggling. The demon wanted to hide from me, so it only attacked her by making her unusually upset at me for wanting to help her get closer to God. She would feel heavy condemnation from me whenever I would talk about her issues and how to overcome them. She couldn’t stand talking about God and she did not know why. She did not want to go to Church even after discovering that the demon was back.
At this time of my life, I was not sleeping. The most I slept was about 3 hours per night. I could not help my girlfriend and I was extremely stressed, because the person I loved most was spiritually dead and did not want to live. I knew the only way to save her was for me to put all my efforts into truly finding God, so I meditated every day on God for an hour or longer. I tried emptying my mind for the first few weeka but i had no progress in finding God that way. But i remembered that the Bible said “God is Love” so i started meditating on love. Within the first 10 minutes of doing this I had an encounter with God; so i started doing it way more often. Many times I meditated in the bath without the lights on and played the sound of rain on my speakers. After a few months I eventually started having images placed in my mind in response to the questions i was asking God. God told showed me that our relationship was about to break. I saw two ships sailing together and one of them veered off course and smashed into some rocks. I asked God what would happen to us, and I immediately saw a large skull. I feared for Bonnie’s life at that point, and I knew that God wanted me to abandon her but I didn’t know her fate if I were to do this. So the next day I called my Mum. I asked her to pray for me, but I did not tell her what to pray for, because I did not want her to be emotionally involved. She saw the exactly same vision that I saw, along with many other visions that confirmed my suspicion that God wanted me to break up with her. I was heartbroken; more than I had ever been. Bonnie was my first girlfriend, and I had promised her numerous times that I would marry her. Ever since we met, we had this connection that I could not explain, and now this connection was about to break.
That night, I told her what God had told me, and I broke up with her. At first she thought I wasn’t serious, but as soon as it sunk in, she erupted in grief. My girl cried more intensely than I have seen anyone cry. It was the most painful experience of my life doing this, but I could not back out because I knew God was right. Our relationship was going nowhere. She would not submit to God, and was causing me more stress than I could handle. That night the demon took control of her again, and she tried to jump out of the window of our four story apartment. I called the police while physically blocking her from the window, and they ended up taking her away in an ambulance.
I didn’t sleep that night, but I felt an unusual sense of comfort from God, and I trusted him that this was the right thing to do, despite all odds.
The next morning, she returned at 7am. She was very loopy, and believed that we were still together. I had to explain to her that I could not live for her anymore, and the only chance of us being together ever again was to go to a Church and get another vision from someone strong in faith. She agreed, but only because she loved me more than life itself. If I had not given her this chance, I have no doubt that she would have killed herself.
Her suicide attempt happened Thursday night, so we went to church Friday night. We ended up attending Glory City Church, in Brisbane City, Australia. As soon as I entered the building, I could feel energy pulsating within the large room. The demons left immediately, and we started worshiping God. I had my first direct experience with God after going through what the church called a “fire tunnel”. This is when all the pastors (this church had about 10) line up and pray for every person that walks between them. The moment I walked through them and had prayer, my body dropped to the floor, and I felt the full presence of God descend upon me.
I finally knew exactly who God was ,and it was excruciatingly painful to bear. I wanted to die because I realized how disgusting I was in comparison to him, and I started crying and screaming uncontrollably. I felt like a maggot in the presence of perfection, so I did the only thing I could; I gave god my life. A wave of Love hit me like a nuclear bomb. All the emotional splinters I had been carrying in my subconscious were ripped out. All the stress, guilt, suffering, unworthiness, of my whole life was stripped away by a love so intense it burned.
My crying instantly turned into uncontrollable laughter. All it took was 20 seconds before the most painful experience of my life turned into the most blissful experience I had ever had (up to this point in my life). None of this experience was external or physical. The only way I can explain it is by poetry, because words cannot describe the experience. This was a spiritual evolution equivalent to being reborn. My entire concept of life itself was being re-written. I no longer had a concept of time. All I could feel was the presence of my dad. I am literally crying right now as I write this because my dad is …
That is all I can write for now.
Words aren’t good enough for him.
The Love I felt that night hasn’t stopped. For two years I have felt more love than every other person in my life put together. I Love God more than life itself.
We both submitted everything to God that night, because we had nothing else to live for anymore. Previously, we had both been living for each other, and God was not the main priority of our lives. But in breaking up, God took away our number one reason for living (eachother), and we chose him to replace this reason. I am the only person who can understand what happened to me that night, because it cannot be put into words. But I can say that I experienced God’s presence so intensely that all the stress, fear, sadness, guilt and shame was completely obliterated. Experiencing God was more intense than all the Weed, Mushrooms, LSD, DXM, and synthetic weed I have ever had, COMBINED. Poetry can be used to describe the experience, but only those who have experienced God can decipher the words I use in poetry.
God knocks on the door and waits. The door is your heart, and the key is your life.
God’s taste is more addicting than anything, and we have an unlimited supply of him.
God is infinitely gentle yet more traumatising than anything on this earth.
God is an invincible fortress that cannot be touched from the outside.
God’s touch is not physical, but it manifests in you, physically.
God is living water that never stops flowing.
God is a tree that grows in the heart.
God is the ultimate person.
God is Love itself.
My first experience with God completed me. My whole life I had been searching for God, and I finally realised that he had been here the whole time, just waiting for me to give my life to him. God is never satisfied with our heart. We can love him, but he wants our life, not just our heart. We can love God, but still value things in this world more than him. God wants us to love him more than we love anything in this life, and when we do this, he comes to us.
The point is, God is the fulfilment of life. God ‘is’ life. God is everything you ever could want and more. God is a person, and his love is his essence. God is Love. God is like a fire that burns so intensely that it hurts, so he only burns you a little bit so he doesn’t hurt you by his love. Gods love is so great that he cannot be with people that do not love them, because if he did that, they would die. It may be impossible to understand unless you have had this experience for yourself, but God’s love is not like human love. God’s love is God, because God is love, and this love is infinite, because God is infinite.
Since that night, I have been going to church as much as possible. Church is on during Friday nights, Saturday nights and Sunday afternoons. And every week I experience God far more intensely than the previous week. Ever since the night I was reborn, I have been starving for more. And I get as much as I want, whenever I want, and I am continuously hungry but also continuously being fed. It is a never ending cycle of love.
After two months of attending Glory City Church, my faith was high enough that I decided to ask that my back be healed. I had constant back pain every day because my spine was not straight. I had what you might call “turtle neck syndrome”. My neck stuck out unusually far because I used a computer for 8 hours a day or longer. The night I decided to ask God for healing, a woman from the worship team, Ebony, prayed for me and my back became completely straight. This was the first time I had been healed by God. Afterwards, I went to a nightclub whilst high on God’s love and shared the Gospel. I ended up praying for a man who had just broken up with his Girlfriend after two years of living together, and Christ took away all his pain.
Through my life, I know that God has let me go through this pain and this discovery in order to give me the resources to teach not just those who seek God, but to those who think they have found God but have tricked themselves into believing that Religion is God. Religion is not God. God cannot be defined, he can only be experienced. And people who believe in Jesus but are not experiencing him have not even come close to finding him. Jesus talks about people like this, describing them as ‘luke warm’. You should never believe something because another person told you to. Whatever you learn from God, you should learn from God himself. And if you would like to find God, I’m here to teach you, because I know how hard it can be with all the misinformation in this world.
The trick is to disregard what you think you know, and to examine life itself as if you know nothing. All the religious things you were taught – forget it. Just seek God from within. Meditate daily on God. The key to unlocking the door that is your heart is to change the priorities of the things you love most in life and make God number one. For all people, this requires sacrificing the thing you love most, so it is very difficult to do. Finding God is not an easy path, but the reward is infinite.
God is love, so mediate on Love. Don’t try to examine or define God through your physical surroundings. God will most likely not touch you physically; he will do it from within your consciousness, and this will manifest in your body in a physical way (the feeling of electricity, a warmth in the heart, etc). Many people who claim to have searched for God end up not finding anything; because not once did they stop and meditate on God, and they expected God to prove himself to them by coming to them externally.
God only wants to be in a relationship with people who would do anything for him. God wants complete submission. That means you must love god more than you love your wife or husband or children. You must love God more than you love anything. Do literally everything you can to submit to God, and he will come to you. When that moment happens, you will know, because you will fully realise that the most powerful being in all existence is as close to you as anything or anyone could be; and that realisation will force your face flat to the ground in mourning and repentance.
It might be difficult to understand, but think of it like experiencing love on steroids. At first it will be too much for you to handle, but this is a good thing. It will hurt when you realise how much you have been ignoring this blatant fact staring you in the face. God is like a fire. If you aren’t burning in love for him, his love will hurt you, but it will heat you up to a point where it will no longer hurt, but feel good. When that happens, you will continually want more of him because he will now be the source of your happiness in life. And he is an infinite source.
Another thing to mention is, when I took psychedelic drugs my consciousness was expanded. If you are unfamiliar with consciousness expansion, think of it as if I was increasing the resolution of my awareness of being alive. After giving my life to God, my consciousness has been permanently increased to a level that most of my drug-exploring friends would consider to be tripping. I see fractals in nature everywhere. And when I spend time worshiping God, I see Fractals that are not seeable to the human eye. God speaks to me through these fractal by writing words in them. It is an experience similar to LSD, but I am sobre during the experience.
The only times I feel unhappy these days is when I forget my identity in Christ, and that rarely ever happens. Knowing your identity as the son or daughter of God is paramount to continuously experiencing him. And the only way you can prevent yourself from forgetting this identity is by meditation on his love. The more we meditate on God, the more like Christ we become. When I meditate on him very often, my life starts changing rapidly and I start praying for people I don’t even know; getting visions of their problems and then finding these people I do not know on the street and healing them.
From an ignorant child to a psychedelic hippie, to a depressed drug addict, to a stressed-out boyfriend to the son of God; the journey of my identity over the past three years has felt like 30 years. I currently have no plans for my future other than following God, and I am sure he has a lot more planned for me than I could ever dream of.
Anyway, I appreciate it if you took the time to read my story. If you’d like to talk about it, ask questions or post your own story, feel free to do in the comments below.